Recently, as you may have noticed, I partook in Hayley‘s question time feature. I then told her she should answer the questions herself for me to publish. She responded, quite correctly, that I should be less lazy and make up my own questions. So I did!
She hasn’t answered them yet, but Julez has. For those not in the know, this would happen to be my lovely lady for just short of one year now. She lives in Cambridge, is a student nurse and stops me from being too much like me, which is definitely a good thing.
Here are her answers.
1) I’m Tim Chilestone; who the fuck are you?
I’m Julez and I really do not like pineapple! I’m a student nurse (enough said, I think). I met Timmy on a night out for Pinkside’s birthday. I shouted at him. I wasn’t happy. [Julez hadn't quite twigged that Pinkie was distributing people into taxis, and thought I was cabthieving] He came back to the house with us and proceeded to pick up a thick sheet of ice from the fish pond before changing Shirley’s clock. Once I saw the flexing of his muscular physique I was smitten. OK, so we all know that last bit isn’t true but I knew that I would like to know Tim forever; he’s very funny.
2) Tell us about where you live
I live on the scummy side of a nice little village near Cambridge, with the mum and dad. At the moment, it smells of shit, but apart from that I’m happy living here. My room is red/black just lacking chrome and it would be 80s-tastic! There are a few too many old people for my liking and the garage on my road [the only shop in the village] is a fucking rip – £1.79 for a loaf of effing bread. I dont think so lady! Also, if you are without transport, forget leaving. The famous 118 bus does indeed go straight through – I’ve never managed to catch it!
3) If you had to join witness protection, who would you be?
My name would be Handula Rraascream. I would have the style of a 1890s hooker and live in Camden Town with a small seaside retreat in Skegness. The reason I would be on witness protection is because I made a bomb that killed someone, and stole a man’s baby… oh a little too Desperate Housewives I hear you say?
4) What music are you mostly enjoying this summer and why?
I love AIRPLANES (aeroplanes) by B.O.B feat. that ginger from Paramore. For some strange reason im feeling rather chavtastic this summer. I shamefully admit that n-dubz and Tinie Tempah are on my current playlist. Maybe its because I now have a car so i can finally make my ‘chav days’ dream, of driving about hammering out shit tunes, come true!
5) Tell us a fact about me
Tim Tim Tim loves the quim. I know too many facts about you. It’s a fact that Tim picks his nose in his van when he thinks people aren’t looking. It’s a fact that Tim can’t go for a piss in front of anyone else. [That's quite normal, actually, I think...]
It’s a fact that Tim eats TOO MUCH CHEESE and TOO MANY EGGS.
6) What was the last film you saw?
I cant remember the last film I saw so I’m going to tell you about my favorite film. It’s called Heartless and, well, it’s crap. I only like it because my favorite actress is in it (those of you who know me will know who that is and why I like her). It has good memories!!
Angus “I like cocaine and hookers” Deayton plays a man who has a heart transplant and decides he has inherited not only the other mans heart but also his emotions etc. He goes to Scotland and falls in love with the dead man’s wife (RICHARD). Oh. Shit, I’ve lost the game. Like I said, crap. I’m going to make Tim watch the ending one day too!!!
7) What’s the best line from Pulp Fiction?
“30 minutes away. I’ll be there in ten.” I would love to get somewhere in 10 mins when it was supposed to take 30. Oh wait, most of the time I do!!
8) What’s the best and worst places you’ve ever been (on holiday or otherwise) and why?
The best place I have been is Monsal Dale in the Peak District. It’s so simply beautiful. I also have good momories of going for a shit there; I needed to go all day but was not prepard to go in a bush, so when we finally arrived I had never been more relieved!
The worst place is probably Madrid. We stayed in a hostel with pervie blokes and bugs everywhere. Liston was sick in her bed so we put the sheets in the bath; they stayed there for 3 days. We bought so much prescription medication from the pharmacy next door. Walking down the road there was actual shit smeared on the walls of some crappy shop. My friend got mugged and we got lost in “Scum Town”. Bad times!
9)What is your favourite type of cheese?
I like striped cheese, I’m greedy so I like 5 flavours all together. I do NOT like blue cheese, it’s revolting. Tim likes Mexican cheese or whatever it was. In the back of Jean-Claude Flange (our amazing £200 car that is no more, sad face) me and Pinkside found out that we did not. Tim was mad that we ate his cheese. [I was more upset that they spat it out...]
10) What is worse, feet or pineapple?
Well this debate has been discussed at length in my mind. On one hand feet are SICK, they smell, they are crusty and they always seem to have sock fluff between the toes, even if socks have not been worn. I’ve seen the worst feet ever, diabetic feet. They had maggots on them in a teabag.
Pineapple is the source of all evil. not only does it steal your fingerprints but it also tastes mank. There is no use for pineapple in today’s society. It should not be allowed. Feet have a purpose, without them we would all have to balance on stumps. It would be awkward standing in a queue at Tesco with ONE full basket; you would not know what hand to hold it in because you would constantly been falling to that one side. Madness. Pineapple are dangerous whereas feet are less so. They are spikey and terrifying.
So even though both items are the making of the devil I would have to say that pinapples win the award, over feet, for the worst thing ever invented. I wish they would just go away somewhere.
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[...] has decided to make some questions up to ask people, and first up is Julez! She doesn’t like pineapple. I find that [...]