Archive for July, 2009

I Haven’t Got Swine Flu

Wednesday, July 29th, 2009

whitebannerIn November 2001 I said:

We’re all worrying about anthrax, lasser fever, the dreaded ebola and of course plague – but are these the most effective weapons against us? No. Now if I was an evil middle-eastern dictator or faction, I would choose a different weapon – ‘flu. After WW1 flu wiped out millions of people across the world in just 18 months. It wiped out 60% of the Alaskan eskimo population in 45 days. It took one month to cross the Atlantic. And where did it start?
America.
Oh dear.

Now, back then, shortly after the World Trade Centre attacks and while the world was getting ready to start throwing bombs and things at Afghanistan, everyone was convinced that one or other Middle Eastern terrorist group was going to unleash some sort of plague on us.

There was the anthrax postal scare, which had us all opening letters wearing latex gloves. There was the Ebola, which was apparently about to come across from the African wilderness via monkeys hidden in aircraft holds, and of course plague, which Saddam was said to be stockpiling ready to unleash into our now heavily-guarded water supplies.

The Daily Mail was of course at the forefront of the scaremongering, but a more intelligent news source such as the Times suggested, as I did, that if you want to wipe out millions of people then ‘flu was the way to do it.

It surprises me, therefore, that eight years on and an outbreak of swine flu, no-one has really been in the mood to say “it’s terrorists”. It is, after all, perfectly feasible. And swine flu is a bit worrying. There was a lot of concern over it a few months ago, then it died down, and now suddenly we had as many diagnoses in one week as we had in the preceeding three months, and that’s just in the UK.

Is swine flu one to really panic about? Personally I think people over-react because it’s got a specific name, same as with bird flu. If it was just “an outbreak of flu” people wouldn’t be so fussed about it – and maybe that would be a bad thing, maybe more and more people would be becoming infected and shuffling off on account of this rather evil respiratory strain.

I’ve been off work sick since Monday. I haven’t got swine flu, say the doctors, although on Monday if I had been able to get through to the swine flu helpline I suspect they may have told me I did – I had a good three flu-like symptoms, and they are diagnosing anyone with a temperature.

That’s not good in my opinion. Everyone thinks they have swine flu, but if they have something else, that should be treated with something other than Tamiflu, they are not going to get diagnosed correctly and we will have thousands of deaths attributed to swine fu and maybe caused by A.N.Other disease. And what if THAT virus is one released by a desert-dwelling despot? We won’t know until it’s too late…

Love The Cake!

Saturday, July 25th, 2009

I made a cake to take to Suzanne’s birthday. Well, birthday celebrations, her birthday was earlier in the week.

And when I say I made a cake, I really mean Julie made a cake. But I helped! Lots. Well, a bit. Well, I sieved some flour.

Anyway, it is a VERY nice cake. I am leaving soon to collect JN, then we will go to Ikea in Milton Keynes to get Suzanne’s other presents, and hopefully have some meatballs. Then we will collect Miss Constantine from Oxford station, and hot foot it to the ‘tage, where there will be tea and cake and gin, hurrah! Oh and Suzanne and Alec, I am excite about seeing them of course.

Then we’re going out drinking. At 4.30. What madness is this you ask? This madness is happy hour at House. Looks a bit posh for the likes of me doesn’t it? I expect I will look too scummy, unlike everyone else. Alec always looks suave even in jeans and a t-shirt. Suzanne always looks pretty in a dress. And Julie looks fantastic in a skirt, cos of her long old legs; she turned up after her uni interview the other day looking like a proper lady, it was nice.

Marcus keeps saying “Tim’s in a relationship but without the sex.” I don’t think of it like this at all, though; it’s very nice to have, at risk of sounding thirteen, a best friend. Especially one who thinks in the same warped manner as you do.

Now there’s still shit around in my life, I’m still in debt, still a temp, still fat, and nothing seems to go the way it is planned, but in light of all of the above I’m pretty happy. Which is nice isn’t it.

Better stop procrastinating, have a shower and get moving, I need to leave in 20 and I’ve only had two teas and one coffee. Here’s a picture of Darlene Cake (all cakes are called Darlene Cake), I will enjoy. Kthxbai.

"How bout some DUSSSSST?"

"How bout some DUSSSSST?"

The UlTIMo Burger Step By Step

Tuesday, July 21st, 2009

Obligatory link to This Is Why You’re Fat

“A14 Eastbound, Facing Westbound…”

Sunday, July 12th, 2009

A few days ago, JCF suffered a flat tyre.

Investigation into the matter showed that it was merely a valve replacement that was required. So we slapped the spare on, and I planned to drive into the handily-located tyre place across the road from my current place of employment, leave the car there for the day and pick it up at the end.

However, with just five miles to go, at 70mph in the middle of the morning rush hour on one of the busiest stretches of the A14, the spare decided that the best way to begin Thursday was to explode quite spectacularly.

Luckily I was passing an entry slip road at the time, as the car span twice and swerved across both lanes and the slip road. If the slip road hadn’t been there, I would have been in the barrier – the skid marks end about an inch from the curb.

Now what to do? Driving a £200, 21-year-old Peugeot makes me reluctant to pay for breakdown cover – if something snaps we bodge it until we can get home (apart from last week’s escapade with a broken fan belt, where I had a spare but had left my spanner at home. Luckily on that occasion JN was with me with her sparkly yellow AA membership.) (more…)

“Why Aren’t I Reacting In This Shot?”

Friday, July 10th, 2009

Literal video versions are normally fairly shit.

Basically, take a song and change the words to what is actually happening in the video. Ordinarily, this gives you a couple of chuckles but this one made me laugh from start to finish, and still does every time I watch it again.

Best lines? “I’ve mostly been lit from behind,” and “What the effing crap? That angel guy just felt me up”.

Perfect.

Fkin Txt Spk

Wednesday, July 8th, 2009

Whilst trip-trapping around them internets today, I came across Hayley’s post on unnecessary text speak, which happened to be something I was whinging about only today.

In the old days, you could only text your own network, with a few exemptions (Cellnet could text One2One but not vice versa – for the young ‘uns that’s 02 and T-Mobile now). So no-one really did. Then suddenly cross-network texting appeared and everyone was hooked.

We now send more text messages per day in the UK – not including marketing, automated and network texts – than were sent in the whole of 1999. Even so, when it first became possible to SMS your friends the 160 character limit and lack of predictive text meant that a whole new language was invented to take care of it. You all know what I am talking about. First thing to go is punctuation. I am uses four precious characters (a space counts as one). I’m uses three, but im only uses two. And you still know what I mean, so it’s fine. Then come abbreviations of long words such as “tomorrow”, which is variously rendered as 2mw, tmrw, 2mo and many similar constructions. Again, fairly clear, as with most words shortened by using numbers such as l8r for “later”. (more…)